January Saddness

It is more than most can understand, hell is more than most can fathom.

If you have never been put into a situation where everything has been taken from you

This is not for you.

If you have had your entire future ripped out from under you, and knowing that either time or never is your only options, you settle into a deep dwelling of "just making it, barely" and living off of other people. You never thought it would be such an issue finding another home, a better job, or even a life changing career. 

But what would you know!

A dream has been taken from us.

A life has been taken from him.

And now from our children.

January is the start of a new year, a new chapter, a new beginning for most.

Not for us. It is a simple reminder of Bad Parenting and Heartless gains.

For us it is a constant reminder of what we are not allowed to have or become.

A reminder of never getting ahead, never living in clarity or pure happiness.

You won't understand. 

Not at all.

For you have it all!

Constant reminders loom all around us.

The once a year communication you attempt to make is a stab in our hearts.

The once a year attempt you make, not even to us, just shows how Hollow your heart IS.

Your one sided parenting is a slap in their faces.

Yet neither of you seem to care, Period!

Live your perfect happy lives. 

Eat your snob foods and drink away your memories.

Continue to pretend everything is all fixed and great.

Ill wishes are made in your direction.

Ill wishes are made every day in hope you suffer as much as us!

Betrayal is what best describes you and your actions.

Suffering is what best describes what your actions have caused us.

Thanks for ruining any chances we had to have a fulfilling and happy life together!

Ashamed

It was told just 5 years ago now, some people in the world are not meant to become anything. They are meant to be the medium of society. They are the glue that holds the poor and the rich in their places. 

I was told just 5 years ago that I just might not be a person meant for any kind of greatness. I was told that I most likely will not get to attain my dreams, my wishes to become educated and to fully support my family on my own.

Just 5 years ago those words made an impression in my way of thinking. My life was thrown a challenge.

Just 5 years ago I decided I wanted to further my education. I like learning. I enjoy school. I buried myself in books, studies...all for what...?

I became overwhelmed, I needed a break some sort of freedom. I started losing myself and my goal. I allowed people to order me around. I allowed people to control my schedule and needs. I allowed myself to fail. I let my dreams slip away.

Those words came flying back to me. I won't amount to anything special. I will be just a normal 9-5 employee at a dead end job making enough to never come out of my hole. 

Now what?

Do I given in to what was said to me 5 years ago? Do I just give up since I am almost at my limit for help with schooling anyways? 

Do I just accept the fact I will be a nobody and a nothing. Do I just accept the fact that my kids have no positive hard working role model? 

What Do I do?

I want to much, I can't achieve anything because I am a push over and take on other people's problems. I can't say NO, I can't speak up when I am upset or confused or even overwhelmed. I don't know how to look for help. I am ashamed for asking help. I am ashamed of myself period. 

I am the last person on earth I want my kids to be around and have to model after. I am the kind of person that creates monsters who then turns them lose onto other people. I don't want them to be bitter and cold hearted like me. 

I want them to know they can achieve anything they want...but how am I supposed to teach that when I can't even achieve what I want?

I am so mad. I am so hurt. I am so confused. I am so alone. I am so lost. I am ashamed. How do I change?

Truth

It comes as a shock to most, only those who have been through it understand it completely. 

It is not something we are proud of by any means.

It is not something that can be fixed quickly.

It sometimes will never be fixed.

It tears us apart inside.

It drives us crazy.

Jealousy!

It has a way with our minds.

It has a way to trick the eyes.

It has a way of tearing up souls.

It has a way of driving out the good.

It sets us under a dark cloud of misery.

It has no fear to ruin anything within its path.

Jealousy!

All we say is please be true to the one you love the most.

All we ask is to please be loyal what you call yours.

All we ask is to please cherish the one you love.

Please!

What we see is the ending result of innocents.

What we see is the underlying urge to satisfy.

What we see is the want to test the boundaries.

Please!

We love unconditionally and truly.

We want nothing more than the same.

We need the continuous attention and love.

We are scared to be hurt and fear losing the one.

Fear!

Hurtful things are said and done in fear of jealousy.

Scorned feelings are laid out across the table.

Broken hearts hurt in silence as days go one.

The fear of being alone is always there.

Fear!

Stupid Girl

A sad childish girl,
Head full of dreams and wishes. 
Stuck on life's possibilities, 
Excited to see all that comes.

Misunderstood and uninformed, 
Failure knows her all to well.
Dreams never completed,
All hope is lost. 

Feelings lost and incomplete,
Walking blindly on this dirt road.
No one direction, 
Not one idea.

Lost beyond saving now,
Crumbling like stale bread.
Scattered remains of hope, 
Tarnished soul of a young girl.

Soulless eyes gaze past, 
Empty smiles are given.
She tries to breath but chokes on words
She tries to scream but only silence.

Alone in her empty head,
Craziness is stirred. 
Nothing but sad echoes to be heard,
Nothing but darkness to be seen.

No one to hear her now,
No believes she ever felt.
Go numb it's what is expected,
Be silent it's all that they ask.